Long time no update I hear nobody say but here we be back once again for the renegade master.
We left KL behind in a haze of Sumatran smoke feeling hazy ourselves after a wild last night out with the rellies left us with very little sleep and horribly hungover.
Ho Chi Minh City was probably not the best place to be going in our tetchy condition but there was no way we could afford to miss Saigon.
Down over the Mekong Delta we flew to land in the chaos and five days later our futile attempts at taking it steady had been shelved as we remained conscious on a combination of lush spring rolls, fab pho bo (beef noodle soup mmmmmm.....), braintingling Vietnamese coffee (for me) and gallons of banana shakes (for Helen).
We danced the night away at Apocalypse Now in honour of the mad uncle, visited the harrowing War Remnants Museum and checked out the backstreets, Chinatown, temples and markets whilst dodging the millions of motorbikes as we attempted to cross the ruleless roads ("just keep a steady pace and let the bikes miss you" or in our case find a tiny old lady to hide behind).
The traffic here defies belief and the far fewer cars and buses just add to the frogger-like experience. We never discovered if there was such a thing as a driving test in Vietnam but if there is it probably consists of SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY at someone sat extremely close, harshly coughing up endless phlegm from what sounds as though it's coming up from your ankles and then gobbing it out the window with feeling whilst all the time not forgetting to toot your horn for a minimum of ten seconds at least once every five minutes - especially if there is no reason to do so.
We only manged a motorcycle taxi ride twice in Saigon - the second time, a whiter-than-normal Helen looked visibly jangled and claimed she had used up more than her allotted nine lives on that one journey alone.
Before we headed north, we took a two-day tripper to the Mekong to witness Delta life and floating markets and to sample snake and snake wine. We also had our most exotically international evening out getting merry with three women from Greece, China and Argentina.
A welcome haven of peace and quiet awaited us at the wonderful Mui Ne Beach where we lazed around watching the crazy kite surf dudes and rode the sand dunes (or surfed them if you are a well-balanced show-off like Miss H).
Next it was up to the cool mountain retreat of Dalat on the floor of a bus which had been overbooked. Our complaints won Helen a plastic chair in the aisle with me on the backpacks. Not ideal, but OK so long as the bus didn't need to brake suddenly, which it inevitably did, propelling a horizontal Helen very close to the windscreen. Let's just say she wasn't impressed.
I then lost three rounds with the bedbugs and our last night ended with a local concert right outside our room which made Nelly Gawler Melba sound tuneful, followed by a screaming crone in the house next door who didn't pause for breath once in about four hours. A truly sensational performance.
Back to the coast we descended to Nha Trang and another beautiful beach setting in which to address our sleep deprivation. The view on the way, as with nearly everywhere else in Vietnam, was breathtakingly beautiful - it was just the locals with attitude that ground us down a bit. OK it was just the men then... well some of them anyways.
Our little run of incidents continued with our passports being kidnapped which very nearly took me to the point of lamping someone, a second attempt at a bus ticket refund (a fight we never looked like winning) and finally having our moped hijacked on the scariest journey of my life.
In between, we saw spectacular salt fields, some stunning seaside scenery and met a guy working in one of the trendy bars who was from Longwell Green (that's in Bristol for anyone who isn't) and who got us well lubricated on Peach Bellinis (the cider was off).
There will now be a short intermission. Vietnam Part II will follow shortly after the break from my co-author Miss Helen Gawler....
Our next stop, Hoi An, was an overnight bus trip away and when we arrived, blurry-eyed, we weren't sure if we were still dreaming as the budget accommodation had raised several notches in quality. There was hot-water, ac, tv, a fridge and even a swimming pool - ahh things were looking up.
Hoi An, as well as being a wonderfully quaint and laid back town with much of the French architecture still in tact, is also the place to find a tailor. Well it wasn't so much a case of finding a tailor as every other shop seemed to be a tailors and most of those in between were shoe-makers (that's not cobblers - sorry but it was too obvious to miss). Derek was thrilled, but it didn't take too long to get measured-up and within 24 hours I had some lovely new clothes and shoes to cram into my rucksack.
Ever sceptical of people's motives of friendliness, we were concerned as we headed north as other travellers had told us that the south was more friendly. I'm not sure whether we had simply become accustomed to the Vietnamese way or if it was smaller cities that felt more welcoming but in Hue, like Hoi An, there were less people trying to detach us from our Dong.
In Hue we spent time wandering around the ancient Citadel and took a trip dowm the wonderfully named Perfume River, which in reality was about as fragrant as the Avon! We spent a lovely day riding rickety old bicycles out of the city and saw the rice being harvested. Most of the work is done without machines and most of the hard work is done by women (just like home) whilst the men smoke and play cards! There's a distinct lack of maps in Vietnam, so we relied on asking local people for directions, this proved interesting as many of the locals had never heard of a place ten miles up the road! As we returned to the city, it seemed that bicylce was the best way to go as there were enormous queues at the petrol staions as petrol prices were being raised by 40% the next day.
We endured one more overnight bus journey, our last in Vietnam, to reach the capital, Hanoi. The motorbike is king in Hanoi, especially in the narrow streets of the old quarter where the pavements are used to park bikes so pedestrians are forced to risk life and limb and walk in the road. I preferred to walk towards the oncoming traffic, that way at least I could see what was about to run me over!
Hanoi became even busier on National Day (2 September) and we joined tens of thousands of people around the lake for fireworks. Incredibly, amongst the throng of people and motorbikes we bumped into a friend we'd worked with in Sri Lanka, Ciaron, who we didn't even know was in Vietnam! We had a great night; incredible fireworks followed by lots of beers and catching up.
The next day, a certain Mr Clew's birthday, we got out of the city and went to the wonderful Halong Bay for a two day boat trip. The scenery was spectacular, hundreds of limestone islands bathed in turquoise waters all seen at a serene pace on the perfectly still sea. We met some lovely people aboard the boat including 3 rather posh students from England who claimed they weren't 'chaps' and who we got sauced and played cards with and sang and told jokes as forfeits for losing (luckily for all those on board I didn't lose too often). The night on board was very peaceful, but all too soon we found ourselves sailing back to shore.
After the peace and quiet, the noise of Hanoi seemed even louder and I'm sure there were more motorbikes than when we left! We had one last day in Hanoi, wandering around the crazy streets, trying to see the embalmed body of Ho Chi Minh but he was closed - we're still not sure if we were disappointed or relieved! Oh well there's always Mao Tse Tung in China and Lenin in Russia if we decide we missed out!
Finally we took an overnight train to Sapa, a beautiful town in the hills with a wonderfully cool climate and surrounded by rice terraces and mountainous terrain. Our time here was all too brief, but we enjoyed a couple of days walking amongst the rice terraces, meeting the local tribes people and peacefully free-wheeling downhill on the back of motorbikes and spluttering back up. We had hoped to meet some other people going to China, but as usual we met some lovely people who were going in different directions to us.
So after a bumpy ride through Vietnam with more ups than downs, the time had come to prepare for our China Chapter ...
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