Christmas in Berlin

Home Alone on Christmas Eve. With almost all of our friends out of town to visit family and loved ones, Alex (who incidentally has been diagnosed with a hairy heart) and I were left to our own devices and headed into the common room to watch German television. After "Allein zu Hause" (Home Alone) we were entertained by "Night Club Black," a music series featuring the world's best black artists like Chris Brown and Katie Perry. The heart wrenching "Bridge to Terabithia" also caught our eyes, along with hideous German porn that has left me indefinitely asexual.

This holiday season has been rough on me. It all began when Alex surprised me with a Christmas tree. This little piece of nature may be the reason I someday burn in hell. As a Jew, I never knew how much this seasonal decoration would demand, but let me tell you. The formation of pine needles makes watering the tree nearly impossible. Each pine needle is like a miniature green dagger, intimidating prospective waterers from getting close. I think bushes make much more sense from a practical standpoint. Also, that fresh pine scent I was hoping for is better emitted by pine scented car fresheners. Thistle, if that's what you call the shiny stuff you throw around the tree, tangles and breaks at every turn. (Edit: I meant tinsel.) And hanging ornaments on these weak little limbs (albeit perhaps because some trees happen to be dead) is a frustrating and saddening ritual, when most items succumb to gravity only to lie sacrilegiously on the floor. Please Jewish readers, I urge you from the bottom of my kosher heart, don't try this at home...

So we are spending Christmas day in the only open coffee shop in all of Germany, with Luke of course. Fortunately for Luke, we're sitting close enough to the bathroom, which he natürlich just used. Somehow, I convinced a few people in our building (mostly Ukranians and a few floating Uzbekistanis) to have Christmas dinner with us in the Jewish style -natürlich, at a Chinese restaurant. They must be curious about how Jews pass a holiday about which they don't give a fuck, or maybe they're desperate to have something to do. In either case, our Christmas will be probably merry, and I hope yours is too.