Our last day in Lima is spent mostly waiting around. I have been thinking a lot about what this trip has meant, and what its lessons to me were.
Lessons about fear, mostly. I flew in a tiny 6 seater aircraft, drove in combis down death defying roads, put my hand inside a termite colony, held an alligator... It taught me that Fear is not something to ignore or put aside. The fear will always remain. But stepping into that fear, embracing the darkness within - as well as the darkness with out - is actually far less unnerving. Its not like the fear becomes manageable, it simply IS. Denying it, I think, is what causes me more pain. The pain of resisting the inevitable.
I found my own darkness in the Jungle. The part of me that hates. That is vengeful. I have always feared this face within myself because I thout it was ugle and other people wouldnt like it. But I choose now, to be authentic in everything I do, including that which i have kept out of the light - hidden away from the eyes of men - because of my own shame and guilt.
Before I left I found this poem and it struck a chord of importance with me at the time. But now that the trip is finished I see its significance in my journey more clearly...
"Priestess of the Queen of Death" Author - I can't remember
I walk the fearless path, called as a sacred witness.
There is nothing I will not witness, no image or vision I will not see and touch with you. There is nothing that will make me look away.
I will not challenge, defeat, or protect you from the deamons that are yours. But I will stand with you and offer my courage, while you face them yourself.
I carry the tragedies I have witnessed in my life with me. They are no longer wounds that define me, they are scars that shape me, giving me strength I would not have otherwise.
There are no fears I will not face with you.
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