there's seriously not a day that goes by that I don't think to myself, how is it possible that this is MY life? there's a lot of days where i feel like i'm living in a movie or i think there's no way this is real. i also have no idea what day it is most days and that... is awesome. except for the other day when it took me 10 minutes to figure it out. but that's beside the point.
the point is, i am blessed. more than i could ever possibly express or explain or even comprehend. i look at my life, the way it's gone, the things that have happened, and can say i am so grateful for the ways it's been. even in the things i wish i could forget happened or in the times when it was so hard i wanted to give up or when i felt like God had given up on me and was just laughing like a punk at me up in heaven while i was struggling to get through. all of those things have led me to here and i feel like i'm so at the center of God's will for my life and so stoked about what God is doing in my life, in my friends lives, in the flipping WORLD. i'm stoked that i get to be a part of it.
i can't believe it's real. i have a hard time comprehending where i am most of the time so i just try to stop and enjoy it because everywhere i go, i feel like God keeps telling me to be still, to rest, to just enjoy what he's created and what he's given me. to be present where i am and not think about all the things i need to do or wishing i was somewhere else. just making everywhere i go my home and enjoying it as a gift from him. the flipping world is ours. and there's so many little things to appreciate but in the midst of everyday life we miss so much.
i think about where i was at 2 years ago and think how is it possible that i've even made it this far? or made it period. Grace of God. duh. but seriously, i just think about the way i acted, the way i thought, the insecurity i carried so well, the chip on my shoulder, the anger, bitterness, hatred, frustration, hurt, i could go forever... all of those things that were such a strong part of my life. all the things that God has been chipping away at. all the things that have been redeemed and how i've been freaking made new.
i feel like i've heard so much about who God is but this year i've really been learning what it means to know God. straight up. chilling with him. learning about who he is - his character and his nature and what it looks like to just be with him. not in a "i need to read and pray for x minutes each day to fulfill my time with God quota" but dude i just love spending time with the Lord. and studying different aspects of his character has made it all so much more real and so much more epic.
it's real. it's real. it's real. it's real.
it's hard. and life can be hard. but it's real. and i'm in love.
i was driving up to grand rapids on monday and was digging the crazy colors of fall that we get to experience here in the midwest. i love it. i love the crisp air and the color changes and the pumpkins and the apple orchards and getting to pick apples and getting to walk outside with a sweatshirt on and having bonfires and just hanging out with people while enjoying any of these things. and it's SO cheesy to say but it's so true that God gave us these things as gifts cause he loooves us.
so when i say i'm blessed, i mean it to the max. and i feel spoiled because my Dad has given me so much to look at and experience enjoy and it's one way that i'm reminded that he loves me. i've learned to appreciate so many little things in life because living from big moment to big moment just sucks.
john 10:10 obviously says we're called to live life to the full and living life to the full doesn't mean just getting by. it means freaking living. enjoying. living and moving and breathing in him. not settling. just seeking after His heart and His will and finding peace and contentment in the midst of that.
when i first got back home, i had one hard day because life at times seems so completely different here and it's hard to make the adjustment from ywam to home but the cry of my heart has just been, God i want to be present wherever i'm at and i want you to use me wherever i'm at so here i am. let's rock this. and it's brought such a peace about here and about life and just a nearness to God that is sweet.
i see a huge difference in myself between last year when i came home and this year. i've had this whole paradigm shift and see God more as a dad who loves me - who wants a relationship with me - who wants to bless me - who is fighting for me. a year ago i was begging God to not be far off, to come back like when i was on outreach, whatever. but now i have this ridic solid peace just resting in God and knowing he's rocking life with me wherever i go. to finally believe that he's not wanting to do things to get at me or to see me struggle or whatever but to fully trust, know, believe that he loves me so ridiculously much has completely changed the way that i do life.
obviously i still suck at things sometimes and i'm a jerk a lot of times and i'm awesome at being mean and not loving people but it's begun this transformation in my heart that i see and i am catching myself more when i start to do things that i know aren't the way i should do them and biting my tongue more and trying to replace the sarcasm and the stupid crap with words of life. and my prayer just continues to be, continue to make me more like Jesus, give me grace, and just flipping use me.
everyday it's a choice. actually, all day everyday it's a choice to submit to him and to make my life more in line with the way we're called to live. and dying to self blows. and i want to just do what i want to do. but i'm seeing more and more just how sweet it is to rock life with God and not "do whatever the crap i want". and how it's just learning to live better. not that certain ways of thinking or acting are necessarily wrong but i try to ask myself how can i do this better?
being home is great.
good people. good town. good season for weather. it's just like, God has given me a family no matter where i go in the world and i'm so grateful for it. there's so so so many good people in the world and i feel privileged to have so many of them in my life.
gloria a Dios.
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