I have an idea. My journal entries endeavour to encompass a combination of serious stuff and (attempts at) humour. In that light, to assist you in differentiating between the two, what I’ll do is, every time I write something I perceive as funny, I will type the following at the end of the sentence: haha. That way, you’ll know that I’m making a joke, and can embrace a moment of laughter, just between you and your computer.
Let’s take a trial run:
The other day I was walking along the road, when I noticed that it was so uneven, there was a risk that I would trip and fall. haha.
It’s way funnier when you get the cue, right? I’ve noticed other people do it when they write emails, Facebook entries, etc., and I find it very helpful, because whenever I come to the ‘haha’ when reading their notes, I split a gut.
The alternative would be, “LOL”, but that would require shifting to all caps, then shifting back (not to mention the assumed acronymical interpretive skills by you, the educated reader). Too technical for my typing qualifications.
Conversely, if I don’t type ‘haha’ at the end of a sentence, but you still find it funny and decide to laugh, then you could be potentially laughing at a serious matter. In that case, you should feel shame.
Comical moments abound. I hope you all went to the toilet before reading this.
This entry is little more than a collection of random stories, thoughts and observations, mostly unrelated and uninspiring, but written with heaps of enthusiasm, in the hope you will experience inner warmth and buy me a bag of groceries when I get home. You are so kind, indeed.
1 - So far, the best variations I’ve seen on how to spell my family name have been Beaonson and Biyonson. Phonetically, they are both spot-on with the Cameroonian-English accent.
2 - I tried to explain what a frozen waterfall looks like to my friends here. They smiled. The subject was changed. I was not part of that change. Now I’m doubting myself. I mean, really, how do you freeze a waterfall?
3 - I tried to explain suntans/burns to some locals here. They didn’t quite get it, so I gave them an example by staying out one day until I rightfully earned the name ‘redneck’. It worked. Then my skin started peeling. People suggested I stay home for a while. Some businesses closed their doors when I walked by. I decided that maybe I should heed the advice of my friends and stay indoors. Lo and behold, the peeling stopped.
4 - My favourite Pidgin expression: Wi di shek skin fo bah (We’re going dancing at the bar). What better way to refer to dancing than as to ‘shake skin’?
5 - I become very aware of my Canadian accent when I go to the store to buy a “boddla wadder”, commonly known in most English speaking countries (including Cameroon) as a “bottle of water”. I’ve also developed this obscure, “pronounce it how it’s spelled” way of saying the word ‘comfortable.’
6 - There’s a lizard that drops by my office every day. I’ve named him/her Mergatroid. I think he/she is ok with that.
The other day, Mergatroid and I were hanging in my office when a kite (bird of prey, like a small hawk) flew right into the room in an effort to capitalize on the lizard with no escape route. However, Mergatroid managed to scoot away without having to drop a portion of his/her tail. The kite stood there on the floor of my office for a fraction of a second, just staring at me. I thought the following: “What are you, a kite?” At which point, it flew away, leaving me and Merg (nickname) to evaluate.
7 - While we’re on the subject of animals, here’s a story that I read from the blog of a volunteer in Cameroon that I’ve never even met. This fellow was teaching a class full of kids when a couple of goats ran into the room. One of the goats proceeded to mount the other, as a sign of affection, I would presume. The kids at the front of the class shooed the goats out of the room, and lessons resumed. About 10 minutes later, the teacher dropped his chalk, to which the kids burst out laughing. Interesting how dropping a piece of chalk can send a room full of kids into hysterics, but a couple of goats shagging at the front of the class is just dealt with as though it happens every day.
8 - This one’s a bit crude, but it cracks me up, so I have to share it with you (Ross, I’ve already told you about this one). There’s a commercial on television in Bamenda, for a local doctor’s office. The ad is only about a minute long, but it feels like it goes on forever. Some of you in Canada may recall, back in the ‘80’s, a furniture store called The Brick, which had this really obnoxious guy who would yell through the entire ad about the great deals they had. It’s like that, but with a Cameroonian accent. Also, the guy is yelling things like, “…do you have trouble with itching as to the private parts, painful urination, white-ish and creamy discharges, premature ejaculation, inability to go for a second round, gastric problems, such as constipation, hard stools, diarrhoea, shooting from the anus …?”…he goes on and on, in a very lively tone. The ad opens and ends with James Brown’s, “Get Up”. When it comes to marketing, the US has had an influence on aspects of many societies all around the world, but this doctor’s office appears to be immune. All the power to ‘em.
9 - I really hope that, if (I really want to use the word ‘when’) prosperity comes to Cameroon, the people do not lose many of their ways to Western influence. Fashion, music, friendly nature of the people, and most of all, the love for Nigerian movies (affectionately known as Nollywood, claimed by Nigerians to be the 3rd largest film industry in the world). I suppose it would be more accurate to say that much of the charm in the Cameroonian way of life is in how they interpret western influence. They definitely have their own take on attire and pop culture.
10 - I think just about every Nollywood movie I’ve seen (and I have seen many) has been about forsaken love. Yep, that’s pretty much it. No special effects, car chases, or artsy story lines. Just good old consistent drama (love is heck – sorry for swearing).
11 - The other unexplainable television phenomenon here is what appears to be a national passion for Mexican soap operas from at least one or two decades ago, dubbed into French. Here is a sample dialogue (translated into English, using my expert interpretational skills):
Man: You killed Carlos!!
Woman: I did not!! You killed Carlos!!
Man: You’re holding the smoking pistol in your hand…
Woman: I can take no more of your accusations!! I’m going outside to scratch your car with my perfectly manicured nails!!
Man: I curse you!! I’m so tempted to muss my own hair over this, but I spent a fortune on this coiff, and it takes hours to get it to stand this high in the morning.
Woman: You are impossible!! I love you!!
Man: Our love will never end. But why are you marrying Juan?
Woman: Because your sister is evil. Maybe she killed Carlos!!
I’m intentionally not going to finish that story, just to add stress to your life. I will add to your exasperation by hinting that I know what happened next. That Carlos, I’m really gonna miss him…or is he really gone…?
12 - Kind of an interesting thing about the Cameroonian take on Western attire. It’s not clear to me how the clothing gets into the country, or where it even comes from, but there appears to be exactly one of everything. Not one size, not one style, but one article of clothing. I’m curious to know what inspires people to make some of their purchases. I’ve seen women in their 70’s wearing Metallica t- shirts, 3-year olds wearing “Playboy” t-shirts (amazing someone makes them that size), and I won’t even begin to describe the colour and pattern combinations.
It’s not a big surprise to see European and US sports jerseys (basketball, football and football). Most interesting to me is the NHL ice hockey jerseys – Toronto, Philadelphia, San Jose, New Jersey…I’m still waiting to see someone in a Calgary Flames jersey (photo pending). I’ve yet to meet anyone who knows what ice hockey is (one friend asked me, “Is that the one where you slide down a hill?”).
Perhaps I shouldn’t be so presumptuous regarding Cameroonians’ knowledge of hockey. Case in point: I recently saw a Nigerian movie, where one of the bad guys was wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey….pure evil, he was…
13 - On the subject of apparel, I saw a guy walking down the street the other day, wearing a t-shirt that said “Chicks Dig Banjos.” Anywhere else, that kind of thing will raise a smile. Here in Cameroon, I wanted so much to buy the guy a beer and hear his life story.
14 - I forgot to add ‘haha’ to any of the foregoing. Serious moments abound.
15 - Nine of the preceding observations started with the word, “I”. Perhaps “I” talk too much.
C’est la vie. That’s French. It means, ‘Adios’.
eb
ps: if the film industry in Calgary goes international, it should be called “Calgollywood”. My brother Jon has already laid claim to the term “infortainment” (well done, tough guy!!), so I will hereby endeavour to patent “Calgollywood” as my own. I’m gonna be rich!!!
|  | 
|
