Budapest continues to be beautiful! Although today the city aspect got to me; on the bus, heat, traffic jam....over an hour to make a like 20min trip. I had patience for a good chunk of it. I continue to love the gardens here. On sunday afternoon Debs and I went at the the back yard here and ripped up a mountain of weeds....now to plant stuff....have to buy stuff first. I still love Budapest.
We continue to learn more about the city and it's history. I can't keep all the names and facts straight, but in the moment i'm fascinated and loving all that I'm learning. Today we went to a market that I'm so excited to go back to. Last weekend we walked through a Jewish village. Interesting fact: the Jews, in hungary at least refused government funding to re-build after the war; b/c they wanted to remember and not forgive; the Jewish area of town is crumbling, it's sad. I want to go back to that area of the city though because it's really cool. Also last week we watched a movie that gives a lot of the history of the 1956 revolution. So sad.
Outreach is both great and absolutely tiring/emotionally and spiritually draining and utterly confusing. I've got good people on my outreach team who are all loving and desiring to bless and mean well. We struggle to actually listen to each other at times.
I'm up and down emotionally a lot; and I think I've said this a lot, but outreach brings out the worst in me; and there's a lot of worse to still bring out. Tues was a bad day for me; I was down most of the day, but trying to shake it. Then we went to the Ywam Base Leaders' house for dinner and I just started crying b/c everything I heard and everywhere I looked reminded me of my dad. I know it's been two years; but it really feels so fresh; and all week I'd wake up thinking of him and I'd have to tell myself to stop, he's dead, he's really dead. And even as I type that it's so hard for me to believe. So yes, tuesday night I just had a solid hard, full on cry; last time I had one of those was back mid-lecture phase. Luckily I wasn't alone, which was sweet. And now though I have thoughts, I'm good for another month or so.
I continue to struggle with street evangelism. I essentially hate it. I hate feeling the pressure and conviction to make conversation and tell people about God. And yet I know that though that is the pressure in this ministry; the true purpose is to just chill with people and be real with them, listen and encourage. It's like a 3 hour time slot of which it takes me most of to relax enough to be myself. Oh well. I'm still learning.
My favorite part of outreach is definately our random hanging out with some homeless people. We've befriended these 5 homeless guys, and one speaks really good english and he's our translator. Base, Thomas, Gabbo, Leslie, Volks. There are other guys, but these were the dudes we were hanging out with last night. We brought a guitar and Charlie, my English friend on the team played. The power of music; it was me and Charlie and Leslie sitting in one spot; and the music brought Leslie to tears so many times (and it wasn't even worship music). The power of presence: I don't like to sing, so I was just sitting and listening and smiling and laughing a long with Charlie and Leslie. And for a brief moment I doubted the value of my presence there.....but then I relized that presence is powerful. That my butt taking a space on that ground under the tree with these dudes meant something; me sitting beside quiet little Gabbo meant something. These guys are all in the their late 20s and 30s; some look much older. They are all sweet, totally respectful and not scary at all. They are mostly alcoholics and every time we hang out with them we find out more pieces to the puzzles that are the story of their lives. It comes as no surprise to me whatsoever that they are not far from myself in their heartaches. I could so be right where they are given the stuff I've gone through in the last year. Had I not had the blessings an advantages I did. But I'm not, and I thank God for that. I realize that yes, I made right choices, and yeah they were hard, but it wouldn't take much for me to give up at times. I'm hanging on to the grace of God.
Last night was characterized by joy. At least it was on my side of the circle. I was so honestly happy and desired to be no where else. We often say hi to these dudes if we pass them on the way to and from ministry spots; on the side walk, in the metro station. It wouldn't be so easy without Jordan, who is one of most outgoing people I know. He just loves people and everyday has numerous stories of the interesting people he met. I'm inspired to push myself harder.
I should go to bed, we're partnering with a church to do an outreach in another city this weekend. I've the itinerary but I'm no wiser as to what to expect. Not too stressed.
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