Smashing! The V.Man back online, and slamming up blogs with authority, here we go, brace and buckle up for the lowdown from The V´s travels so far in the best country in the world, SWEDEN!
First off, lets have it straight shall we? I´m going through some sort of flashback, I am digging any music remotely associated with the 80s, cant stop singing 'Toto - Africa', and well, u all know about Phil Collins and his genius.
So I set off for The Swe on Sunday, only slept for an hour and a half the night before due to the fact Ad and I were up playing a scandalous amount of FIFA and also downloading tunes on his new PC. Legally, of course. Arrived at the airport at the crack of dawn, it was so early even the birds werent awake yet. On the plane, I can rememeber only fragments of the experience, like having 3 seats to myself and using all 3 in a vain attempt to get some shut eye, saying "F#ck" when a passenger accidentally woke me by clipping my feet with his bag, tool, but the coolest experience was on take off. I was just looking out the window, as we were there doing about 200/250 mph ( about 320 - 400kph) and I thought "Oh, YEAH! This is beauty, I feel like Kimi Raikkonen!", the speed was well funny, I love that stuff!
Landed in Sweden, Swedish precision and efficiency on full view as bags arrived quick style, then into Stockholm where the air temperature was tropical by Icelandic standards, 28! Felt like I was in The Bahamas, gorgeous weather! Met my legendary friends Stina and Hedda, and so began the debauchery! The first bloody night I got here and I´m dragged off just past downtown to the river, in we got for a skinny dip! Yeah, it was seriously cold, the water was about 10 - 15 degrees because we were in the drink about 11 at night! I had to do it for Queen and country though, Elizabeth would have been truly disappointed if one of her boys let her down, and Dale, Ad and George will know what I mean!
Next day, a full days sunbathing took place down at the beach, went for another dip in the river, way more bearable in the sunlight, though I´m sure I stepped on a f#cking eel or something when I first got in there, it was a slippery rascal for sure! Had a picnic and increased my chances of getting skin cancer by spending nearly 6 hours in midday heat with only shorts on and no sun cream. The V.Mans Spanish bloodline will surely save me though, Im getting myself a Christian Bale style tan here, the weather is terrific! Truly glorious!
Learning loads of Swedish, which is splendid, Ive ordered stuff and understood the responses given back to The V, and Ive held a few conversations fully in Swedish with Stina, but most likely littered with schoolboy mistakes! Some guy yesterday said, "Oh youre English? Thats so cool, Ive never met an Englishman who can speak Swedish!", thats right baby, welcome to The V, you dont know who ur dealing with, its time to step into V's world and lets get with the program, we dont mess about here kid, lets get on board and power through.
The gym went down yesterday, hey, just because SpiderVMan is on holiday doesnt mean Im gonna neglect my body, far from it. Its nice to web-sling from different buildings for a change and the gym was tremendous, top notch facilities, as is the norm throughout Sweden, these kids really have got it right, I take my hat off to them. We should all be so lucky. Lets learn from The Swedes shall we? Fabulous food, healthy and appetsing, beautiful people, stylish, a country that looks after its people from the cradle to the grave, top banana lifestyle, really has opened The V´s eyes again!
Bygones, I flooded Heddas shower two days ago, accidentally left it running, only slightly, but when u come home 6 hours later you can imagine the situation. it was messy, that certainly, spiced things up a bit, and I wont be making the same mistake again.
Went to Grona Land themepark last night with Hedda, Stina, and Stinas boyfriend Theo, for an eye-opening experience filled with laughs, nausea and injury. Let me explain. Thanks, so there we are doing things above-board, when one of Theos mates gives us 4 free tickets to go bananas on, we launched ourselves on every ride, scot free! Bonus! What a result, way to save flow! First up was a cracking ride, Nemesis style rollercoaster, well funny! Then, the nausea and dizziness was on the menu as I found myself on a litany of rides purely designed to shake and bake your brain, we went on the best ride there, this huge freefall ride, way bigger than Oblivion at Timothy Dalton Towers in England, it was maybe 200-250 feet high, colossal, taller than most buildings here. Now, Ive skydived and bungeed, and Ive wanted to do something crazy for a while now, and this fit the bill. It was worth it for the view alone, although I had underestimated just how high that thing as, u get hoisted up uber-slowly and then u sit there like a lemon for almost 10 seconds, and then u drop like Cadburys shares after Easter, the pace was well funny, felt like Hasselhoff! There I was at the top of this ride, sat next to three Swedes, who must have thought I had lost the plot, because I used that trick from the movie, "Cop and a Half", where Burt Reynolds and that little kid sing to mask their nerves. My song of choice, "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and The News. Made even funnier by the fact Hedda started singing along at the top!
Nearly found myself making use of my holiday insurance on "The Magic Carpet Ride", where I escaped without harm by the skin of my teeth courtesy of my Aladdin-like foresight and Spider-like reflexes. We were hurtled down this pin straight helter-skelter style ride, which no-ones chiropractor would thank them for using, it seemed to be never ending! The pace was laugh out loud funny, I think we overtook Lewis Hamilton we were going so fast, and there was so much G-Force at work that Im sure only astronauts are able to ride it safely! So there we were, careering down this awesome ride, breaking the sound barrier, when Heddas arm leaves the suggested confines and smashes into the railings, the noise was sickening! Like a really bad scraping sound! Well, that turned my instincts on and my spider senses became active in a way I havent experienced before, like I was on adrenaline, because in the distance I saw this rigid piece of fibre which was overhanging the ride, that clearly should not have been there and had only just recently found itself in that position! Heddas head missed by inches but The V had long swooped out of the way and to relative safety, I didnt miss it by all that much, and later I found that Theo had also almost met his maker at the hands of the offending fibre-piece.We concurred that people over 6 feet tall should probably avoid the ride if they wanted to continue their existence on this plane.
I seem to have scribed for quite a while now, so its high time for me to return to living and cease reporting at this juncture. I will end on this message, the balcony at my current residence here in Stockholm, is causing me much concern and I will admit to spending half my time last night laid awake worrying about it. The balcony is insanely low and I am living on the 4th floor. Many times I have caught myself peering over the edge, and I have come up with this certainty about the gravity of the situation - "You'd f#cking straight die"! Man, its a real issue here, but thankfully I can web sling to safety should the worst happen.
Right, tally ho, off to gamla Stan for a Swedish tea and to raise more havoc in these parts. Until next time, hej da!
V.Man Jason Bourne Christian Bale Lewis Hamilton The Rystar
p.s Lewis Hamiltons victory was the stuff of dreams, a Brit schooling the entire field, get in there my son!
p.p.s Im sure I saw Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, last night at the themepark. I have discovered his secret, he is working as a technician there in Stockholm when the pressure of being an international rockstar becomes too much of a cross to bear. It was definitely him, complete with beard and gravel-voice, laughed my ass to the ground!
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